Sunday, June 6, 2010
A human, a kangaroo, a griffon, a velociraptor, a snake, and Flipper walk into an incubator...so begins the vexing tale of Splice. On the surface, it is the story of two rule-breaking and stupid scientists. Below the surface, it is simply a terrible movie, but a joyous experience all around. It must be watched with friends.
Clearly, my girl Sarah Polley needed rent money. She's way better than this mess. Adrien Brody is, as always, undeniably sexy even though his nose takes up most of the screen, and here he displays some seriously whacked sexual behavior. Ever seen a winged orgasm? Now you have.
Need a vague plot outline? The two idiot scientists go against their orders and splice human DNA with animal DNA. No one says which animals specifically, because it appears that they poured things in with their eyes closed. Better to surprise you with, my dear. The outcome is a big-eyed, high-jumping, 3-fingered, gilled, bald, aging machine with serious mommy issues and a penchant for almost dying. And she loves Scrabble.
The defining moment of this film for me was during a pivotal scene (pivotal in that it cemented my suspicion that this was a hilariously awful movie) when my friend announced very loudly, "This is making me feel uncomfortable." Since everyone else in the theater was busy laughing, they may not have heard her.
The pitch meeting for this movie can probably best be described in a very short monologue from the movie itself. First, the pitch is given. Then, after a shocked silence, the studio says, "You can't do that...you shouldn't do that." But of course, they did that.