Saturday, April 17, 2010
Holy hell. Liam Neeson and Julianne Moore had better have lost a bet. That is the only explanation for their appearance in this embarrassment. Did anyone read the script before signing their contract? My guess is no. Amanda Seyfried has paid her dues at this point, and I'm waiting for her to show up in something worthy other than Mean Girls. She's kind of alien-hot, right? Very pretty girl, but her eyes are way too far apart, and I could not stop noticing.
This was advertised as a thriller. It is many things, but a thriller is certainly not one of them. I expected to at least get a thrill out of it, what with all the boning that goes on and gets talked about, but no. Sexless sex, all of it. And the weirdest on-screen pairing of all time, maybe. That'd be Moore and Seyfried. Yup. That was awkward. It was supposed to be titillating (sorry) and salacious, but wound up being confusing and kind of funny.
Very short plot rundown: Moore plays a gynecologist, because everything in the damned movie is about poon, who thinks her husband, Neeson, is cheating on her (because he neglected to show up at his surprise birthday party and also he's a college professor and how many male college professors don't diddle their bright young things?) so she hires a prostitute (Seyfried), who, according to herself has always been good with words...to try to seduce him and then tell her all about what happened, in great detail. Good plan, sweets. Clearly things take a swift turn for the gay and forbidden. But it's funny even before that happens.
In a way, I'm happy that I saw this in a movie theater as opposed to Netflixing it. This way, I did not have the option of walking out (not after paying $12.50!), and I was comforted by the confused laughter around me. It's always helpful to know that you're not the only one who thinks they're watching a piece of crap. I hardly even minded the couple sitting behind me who literally did not stop chatting once during the entire movie. Not once. And if I'm not driven to homicidal rage by audience participation, it's a bad sign.