Yeah...I watched it. Not good. Kind of hilarious, really. The best parts were when Jacob took his shirt off and cut his hair, and the scene of Victoria and her hair running through the forest.
Poor R Pattz has difficulty again, but now I'm wondering whether to blame it on direction or if he's just a shit actor. Nicely done on those abs, though, Rob. You've come a long way from Little Ashes. The beautiful Kristen Stewart is done wrong as Bella Swann. She's done some good work in other films. Try "Panic Room," "In The Land of Women," and "Adventureland."
A vampire movie where no one gets bitten or has sex is like the Winter Olympics without figure skating; why would anyone bother? Stephenie (sic) Meyer, she of abstinence-loving authordom, clearly disagrees with me, hence the whole damned Cullen crew, running around like a pack of white washed idiots with nothing to chew on. Nor any lines to speak or scenes to be in, for that matter. Alice pops in now and then to make some concerned faces, but Mom and Dad are largely absent, the blonde one gets one line, the huge one gets to be an idiot for a second, and the young one has a meltdown and disappears. Edward disappears, too, but at least he looks pained about it. Everyone in the movie looks pained at everything, actually. NO ONE IS HAPPY IN FORKS. This point is really driven home by the circling shots of Bella sitting in a chair after Edward ditches her, with titles spelling out the months that are going by. Even her dad yells at her to snap the fuck out of it, boyfriend is not coming back. Take a pill, Bells.
Ooooh, also, there's werewolves. Not-great CGI werewolves, to be sure (and a far cry from the intensely creepy Lucy-humping beast in Bram Stoker's Dracula, but why even make the comparison?), who in their human form are some hot hot hot bags of muscle with spiky hair.
Because the gods hate us, we are forced to go almost 2 full hours of watching Bella sulk, tease Jacob, and summon phantom Edward (yes) before heading to Italy. That's where the Volturi live, you see. Volturi seems to be Vampire for "bad motherfuckers," and they really slam some life into this puppy. Waiting within the Volturi mansion is a scary and badly be-wigged Michael Sheen, and Dakota Fanning, whose power is to inflict pain by looking at someone, and confusing the audience by looking all grown-up and more dangerous than the wolves or that moron who got schooled by the Cullens in the first book/movie.
At best, New Moon gives us a chance to look at some gorgeous people and marvel at how gorgeous they are. It also relieves us of the pain of having to read Bella's nauseating narration from the books, which is why the movie is only a little over 2 hours long instead of a full year.
Having said all that, I dug it. It was pure entertainment and zero art, which is what a girl needs sometimes.
Team Victoria.
ps. If you want some really hot no-sex vamp-human action, look to Buffy and Angel. If you want some really hot absolutely yes-sex vamp-human action, look to Buffy and Spike.
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